Odds Off

I used to write on here all the time. Or so it felt like. When I did that I was freeing my mind. I grew up with none to talk to. It was a scary time my childhood. Always on the edge. Behave like the perfect child or else! And then other times i was too perfect and then it was the same - change or else!  I didn't have access to my own bedroom. I grew up knowing quite quick that if my mother wanted my bedroom I better get out. Sometimes I would get in the attic, sometimes out into nature and other times sit in the kitchen or lounge waiting until I was allowed back in my bedroom. There was this one time my mother decided to ghetto blast the neighbourhood with opera and classical music. She put the speakers in the window (of course opened the windows) and on full volume. She told the whole neighbourhood how much she hated them and knew they were talking about her. She did this from my bedroom. I didn't dear stop her. I think I always deep down knew it was best to let her get on wit...

Day 4 House arrest, lock down – Bath, UK 2020 I thought I would start a daily, every two day write up of my experience of quarantine. I am lucky enough to have lived in so many countries all over the world (literally from one side to the other). I have also travelled reasonably well so have people around that I am interested in hearing how they are holding up and they message me asking how I am doing. So here we are. I used to do this when I had limited access to day to day life in Costa Rica and funnily enough, I also did this when I live in Hawaii but then it was in paper form and to my friend D! Someone might read it – someone might not. I guess it helps me as well. I am a talker and a thinker so this will help me get my daily words to a slight lesser amount! Haha! Here we go; Few days before the announcement, Fri – Monday. Bath – March 2020 It felt so surreal. The weekend and even the Friday before I had work and I felt guilty for going about. I text my wond...

Recently I was in a place I never thought would consume my heart, my head, my mind or my soul the way it did. My intention was never to visit, set foot inside and touch years of history. It kind of just happened. We got cheap tickets and without knowing it they entitled us to go into the colosseum in Rome. I was so excited to go. We planned the day around getting in and having enough time to explore the colosseum. We lucked out and skipped all queues and walked straight in! Armed with a smile I walked out of the arch and towards the opening. However that excitement was not long lived as it was as if I walked into an invisible wall of past. I felt shivers down my back, my head felt heavy and my eyes wanted to go swimming! I held back my sudden unexplained emotions and moved on. I ended up having a debate with my partner about the reality of its use. Was it celebrations, was it crime or was it simply a craze? We came from two complete different opinions. Neither one ri...

I received a text today that made me think. It stated:  ‘ I think that’s what you needed to do like literally switch off from all things negative and start seeing and concentrate on your positives  (which I haven’t heard or seen you do in a looooooong time!!’ I’m not going to lie. I have been in a super dark place. Not dark enough for it to show but internally I have been crumbling. I have tried my hardest to fight it and I have done an OK job but it has taken its toll. That is until yesterday. Of course I didn’t just snap out of it. I have been working hard to learn to work my way out of it but after crying just because someone that I don’t know on Saturday pushed me away I was like – WHATT??? Is this what I am allowing my brain to do to me? I deliberately didn’t rush to get the charger for my phone. I let it stay out of juice pretty much all day. I had an uncomfortable chat, then woke up and smelt the coffee. I decided that no one would ever rob me of me again. Th...

I remember her calling me down from a tree. I was angry! I was so angry that I tried to run away. I ran as far as the tree outside. I climbed it in my skirt. Noone had noticed how upset I was. So I thought. She did. She yoodled and sang for me to laugh at her. It worked. She knew where I was. She kind of always did. She often ignored my tantrums. Let me get on with it I suppose. But for some reason with me she knew when it got too much. She simply said – running away is only a temporary fix. Why not come back down to earth and deal with it one step at a time with love in your heart. She wasn’t always fair or nice but she treated me with care and good advice. She liked her red wine and the funny thing it actually made her fine. I miss her with every heart beat, one day hope I her again will meet. In heaven or in devon I don’t mind, as long as like her, I can be kind. Anna why did you have to die, it fills me with a great big sigh! I miss you more than you will ever know, More...

Today I saw something amazing!  We are so quick to point out what is wrong in the world and how horrid people can be especially teenagers that we often miss the sense of community that is all around us! At lunch I was walking in a real rush back to the office after having picked up a birthday present for a friend of mine when I saw a little old man pushing what I can only assume to be his wife in a wheel chair. It looked as if he was struggling to get his missus up the hill so I went to cross the road to help but I was beaten to the post by a lovely young man that looked no older than 21.  He approached the man and his wife and asked if they needed a hand. The old man looked so reliefed and happy that he took the young lad up on the offer. This said gentleman pushed the old man's wife up the hill and than smiled, wished the two of them a good day and walked on. The older couple turned into their home and you could see they were definitely ready for a cuppa and ...

I never thought I played games, don't get me wrong I absolutely LOVE board games and monopoly the card game version but I'm talking about games of the heart, mind and soul. The type of games we can play when we are vulnerable to being vulnerable. When we need other people's approval, or don't love ourselves enough we require other people's attention to make us feel better. I never thought I did that more than normal, as we are all human and make those type of mistakes but I genuinely thought I was quite good at not playing games like that. Yeah I was wrong! I have had life challenge me with near deaths and deaths around me really affecting my world lately so I decided to go away for a few days and get my head straight. What I wasn't counting on was going away and straightening out my heart! I came back and realised I as a dater I am rubbish! I go hot and cold, I can be ridic sceptical and then throw them right off by being super duper much fun and actually ...

At choir we are learning a song called imagine me and it is a very soppy but soulful song that for some reason has really got me thinking. Imagine a world where you are at peace with yourself, where your lack of confidence  doesn't  hold you back either with things you want to achieve or speaking up about the way you are treated? The more I listen to it, try and learn it I keep thinking, yeah imagine me in a place of no insecurities and actually letting go of all the people or things that have happened to hurt me. A place where I feel happy and confident and this week I realised that again it is my insecurity of myself and the thoughts /words / actions of others that again let hold me back.  I let others way of life over ride mine. I accept being walked over. I care more about others feelings than I do my own. I had someone live with me that was very unwell. I was so scared to upset this person I let her talk to me like my needs  didn't  matter and e...

Christmas is one of those seasons where it conjures up so many different feelings within people. Some people absolutely love it and can’t remember it being anything but amazing. Others really hate pretty much everything about it. Feel it has become about presents and lost its meaning as a celebratory day about Jesus being born. For many it reminds them of loved ones they have lost and for even more it can highlight family  feuds  because that chair around the table is empty. For me it is a little bit of all of these factors if I am honest. I come from a very unconventional family setting and Christmas for years has been the hardest time of year. I have great, amazing memories blended with an awful lot of heavy, sad moments. I don’t exactly get that personal present from parents or a partner that I have been hinting I want. I don’t get to sit with my mum and share it with her, my dad or family I grew up with for that matter. When we gather around the table I always have ...

I am in a really good place, I feel grown up. I feel like I know the sound of my own voice. Finally!! :0)  is all that I can say. It has been a journey; that is true! Has it been worth it = hell, to the yeah it has! I have been so scared to be alone that I have desperately looked towards people and places, even things to make me happy and lessen the fear of loneliness. I have even acted inappropriately, but what I have come to realise is that it was my internal courage that gave me the freedom to embrace life, and through this courage I have realised that I won’t be truly lonely as lonely is just a state of mind. It is a thought system that wants something else or someone else to fill a gap. However if I take responsibility for my life and what I fill it with there is no reason to really be lonely. Yeah of course we all get those moments when we wish we could be with someone and not just romantically. Being lonely isn’t always just for the single ones. I hear people often...

Lately I have been tested beyond what I ever thought I would be in an incredibly short amount of time! The universe has tested me in regards to biting my tongue yet at the same time learning to speak up to hold on to my values, let go and know I most likely will get hurt from it, have possessions stolen, being stuck in an environment that was un empathetic and selfish, take control when all I wanted was to breakdown, loss of a loved one and mainly being surrounded by a world filled with volatile reactions. I have panicked like I haven’t done in ages, I have cried like I haven’t for a while, I have laughed louder and more heart fully than before when something has actually tickled me, yet through this I have decided to take the biggest risk of my life. I have taken a pay cut to put my happiness first. I have said no to temporary pleasures to aim for long-term happiness yet I have been so distressed I have acted out of character and done things that jeopardised my reputation and what I...

Why is it that we believe what others tell us about ourselves way and beyond what we believe about ourselves? A couple of weeks ago I was judged by my actions. Badly. I took it so incredibly to heart I cancelled plans and became a slight little hermit. I didn´t want to talk about it because I thought OMG what if this is how people view me. What if I am this awful person. I then decided to talk about it and my friend who listened intently smiled at me and she said “Oddny that is just one persons oppinion” and it clicked withing me. I had become so low from all the external and internal dramas of my life I was looking at myself through other peoples tinted view! Since then I have really explored this. Why do we do it. I listen to acquaintances and friends and it happens all around me. I see people upset, happy, stressed all as a consequence of what other people have either said to or about them, not said to or about them. We seem to live in this world more obsessed about h...

We are funny creatures we are. We are masked by so many emotions, hidden secrets, sudden outburst of energy yet most of the time we hide it all. We doubt our abilities and we see the grey rather than the reality for what it is. We do it so that it doesn’t hurt and we don’t have to deal with it. We sometimes over think a comment or action whilst other days we ignore it like it never happened. I am no different. I must admit I have started learning to accept the unacceptable and with that comes a great ease of mind. I still pursue what it is I want. I haven’t just gone lazy and given up. I will find ways of making something happen or at least try my darn best. The irony being though that I hadn’t done that for my own happiness if I am honest. I hadn’t looked before at what actually makes me happy and what I might have to sacrifice to get there. This came as a real shock to me the other day. I had always put others happiness and wellbeing before my own, even to the point I would get...

I made a massive realisation the other day. I was asked if my confidence was masked by underlying insecurity. This question came out of the blue and deep conversations had not been taking place so it caught me off guard, but in a good way. I did not feel defensive or annoyed at this question which meant I was able to answer honestly. I answered that in my younger days I did feel incredibly insecure. I had insecurities flowing out of my ears; I was constantly looking for people’s approval. Thinking everyone was better than me. That I was too loud, too outspoken, too much this and not enough that. However now today is a completely different story! I am confident and have my moments of insecurity but I am comfortable. I am incredibly comfortable with myself. I feel at ease with my personality, with my body and with my thought system. I feel comfortable being slightly different. Being viewed as slightly challenging towards many people yet just as loving.  I will not always be everyone’...

I met someone a few weeks ago and they asked me a really interesting question. “Have you ever had a thought stay with you and imprison who you can become?” I have pondered about this for a while and I today I came across a saying that really has stuck with me hence the reason for my blog today. Sometimes you have to let go of who you were to become who you want to be. So if I was ever to meet this person again – which is doubtful I must admit, I would answer them and say no. I personally haven’t but I think many people do because they are too scared to let go of who they were to become who they want to be. Who they could be, who they dream to be because that means learning to forgive, grow and face adversity. Only then can you really embrace who you were and bring the freedom of life into your existence when you truly face up to things. When you take the time out to realise what is holding you back. For this gentleman a negative thought he had many years ago is still 18 years later aff...

The universe has an interesting way of teaching you the lessons you might need to learn or open your eyes up for when they are so focused on being closed that is if you allow it. The term universe I use loosely as this can be ever so differently interpreted by each and every individual. For me the universe is everything and everyone. It is your inner voice, your gut feeling. It is what I surround myself with, the situations I find myself in. The people I meet, either by an arrangement or by chance. It is the bird singing, it’s the fields, it is the impatient hotel worker driving home from a late shift or the slow moving elderly that has come to accept that speed really isn’t for him/her.  And funnily enough this week I have really opened my senses, my eyes, my mind and soul to the universe. I have opened myself up to what is around me, what my inner voice is actually saying. What my gut feeling is trying to tell me but I am to closed off to and therefore try and control it with eit...

I once read a book about an elderly man who was faced with the reality of losing his speech along with most of his movement. He was asked how he would communicate. His answer was simple. “With touch and eye contact as our eyes are the mirrors to our souls”. I pondered over this for a long time. I thought about the awkwardness of silence. Could it be that we feel uncomfortable in silence as the words aren’t there to distract us from the real emotions and feelings floating within us? Do words and movements give us the ability to project a confabulated truth of how we really feel? Is this why people often don’t keep eye contact and why police officers and detectives seek the truth with simply face to face communication and minimal words. So it is with these thoughts I wonder to what point do we believe words? At what point do we stop kidding ourselves of the perfect speeches we receive when the actions clearly don’t match? Do we believe empty words because we deeply want to? Because we he...