Smell the coffee!

I received a text today that made me think. It stated: 

‘I think that’s what you needed to do like literally switch off from all things negative and start seeing and concentrate on your positives  (which I haven’t heard or seen you do in a looooooong time!!’

I’m not going to lie. I have been in a super dark place. Not dark enough for it to show but internally I have been crumbling. I have tried my hardest to fight it and I have done an OK job but it has taken its toll. That is until yesterday.

Of course I didn’t just snap out of it. I have been working hard to learn to work my way out of it but after crying just because someone that I don’t know on Saturday pushed me away I was like – WHATT??? Is this what I am allowing my brain to do to me?

I deliberately didn’t rush to get the charger for my phone. I let it stay out of juice pretty much all day. I had an uncomfortable chat, then woke up and smelt the coffee. I decided that no one would ever rob me of me again. That includes myself!

Not me, a man or a boss would ever take away who I am. Would put me down, point out all the negatives to quietly quieten me. Talk to me like I was a piece of shit, give them power to hurt me or control me. Do what makes me happy. Be ok with being different. Feel non guilty for not perhaps seeing the world through their eyes and most of all not take it personally! That it wasn't about me that they decided to cheat behind my back for more than just a few months. That I have to take responsibility that if a man your dating forgets your name and confuses you with behaviour of other people, that it is less scary to fly solo than to stay together for the fear of ending up alone. The same on the work front. That it is far better for you health and well-being to sometimes be out of your job than stay put. To not be passively aggressively managed and sneakily, deliberately miss managed so that you look weak. That I have to have more faith in myself and either not take it personally and stay for other reasons or trust that other things will come along.

It has been a long way to recovery. It has been a little bit of hibernating, a little bit of drinking, a little bit of anger & tears but mostly if I am honest it has been long days of not looking forward to the next day. Of not thinking I was worth it. That I was wrong in everything I have done. Guilt ridden days and no self forgiveness – just self blame. That I was just not good enough. I deserved it and mostly that I shouldn't really talk about it as what would people think then?? But you know what. Fuck you to all of that.

It happened - so move on and learn from it! OK yes it will always hurt this year but Oh my – will this be my lesson for how to sing to your own heartbeat. How to open your eyes and see things through your own eyes! To not take it so personally and learn it is ok to make mistakes. That mistakes are part of growing and if people want to use that against you, that says more about them than it does about you. That cheating is soul-destroying if you let it be. However, that it also is your great escape to either for many a better relationship or as for me the best thing that could have happened, as I probably would have stayed in a dark place sacrificing myself to help someone else. So all in all – I think it is time to stop hanging out with negative Nancy and go shopping with Little miss Sunshine! And the best bit. I am not going to say sorry for having been so low and sometimes a handful to listen to. Instead I am going to say thank you to my family and friends who have stood by me and showed me it is OK to not be super human and you will be loved no matter what by these special people, but the time comes where you have to wake up and smell the coffee – and oh do i again!

I am looking forward to waking up tomorrow and miss universe – bring it on!

So much love

Oddny