I made a massive realisation the other day. I was asked if my confidence was masked by underlying insecurity. This question came out of the blue and deep conversations had not been taking place so it caught me off guard, but in a good way. I did not feel defensive or annoyed at this question which meant I was able to answer honestly. I answered that in my younger days I did feel incredibly insecure. I had insecurities flowing out of my ears; I was constantly looking for people’s approval. Thinking everyone was better than me. That I was too loud, too outspoken, too much this and not enough that. However now today is a completely different story! I am confident and have my moments of insecurity but I am comfortable. I am incredibly comfortable with myself. I feel at ease with my personality, with my body and with my thought system. I feel comfortable being slightly different. Being viewed as slightly challenging towards many people yet just as loving. I will not always be everyone’s cup of tea but I live with a loving open heart and love each day as it comes. I am not afraid to follow the river to the sea and learn on that journey. I won’t be held back of the fear of regret of who I could have been or what I could have done differently. I was that person, that acted in that manner, and chose paths that have brought me here. Don’t get me wrong there are things I would have liked to do differently and I get scared but the difference is I realise now that things have happened and I can’t turn back time so I will learn from them if I haven’t already and be careful not to allow the past to become the warning sign to put me off facing a similar journey. I will simply look at the past and evaluate what I could do better this time round. Come on otherwise how could I ever allow myself to get into another relationship? Surely if I looked at the past I would be too scared that it would simply end at some stage or end up as amazing friendship rather than a loving companionship.. right? So I won’t let the past relationships prevent me from accepting someone new into my life and enjoy going on that journey but perhaps with new music selection on my ipod and new trainers!
I discovered today that I have no problem making self discoveries about myself but I struggle keeping them. I couldn’t tell you how many times I have made a new years promise to cut out the ice cream and to only eat one rather than the whole package of yummy biscuits… Have I ever stuck to it for more then two hours… the answer would be no! I have the intentions of keeping to it but I find that I give in and then beat myself up about it. I then feel bad having not stuck to a promise I only made to myself and before I know it I am eating two tubs of ice cream to drown my sorrows….. It becomes a vicious circle.. and today I finally figured out a way out of it. Cut myself some slack. I started thinking about how there were things I would have liked to do differently. Things I wish I could have said, things I wish I could have done and so on and then I realized that when we are younger we get cut some slack. We are excused for making “mistakes” or as I would call them learning opportunities...
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