I used to write on here all the time. Or so it felt like. When I did that I was freeing my mind. I grew up with none to talk to. It was a scary time my childhood. Always on the edge. Behave like the perfect child or else! And then other times i was too perfect and then it was the same - change or else!
I didn't have access to my own bedroom. I grew up knowing quite quick that if my mother wanted my bedroom I better get out. Sometimes I would get in the attic, sometimes out into nature and other times sit in the kitchen or lounge waiting until I was allowed back in my bedroom. There was this one time my mother decided to ghetto blast the neighbourhood with opera and classical music. She put the speakers in the window (of course opened the windows) and on full volume. She told the whole neighbourhood how much she hated them and knew they were talking about her. She did this from my bedroom. I didn't dear stop her. I think I always deep down knew it was best to let her get on with these things than to interfere.
I didn't come on here to write this today but I have decided that you dear Blogger are my support system to let things go from my mind. They say write them down but what I have come to realise with so many people is that they write things down and then they talk about it. So the process if writing privately opens up the pathway of knowing how to let go. Of course this isn't everyone as there are so many people that grew up with my circumstance of be seen not heard. Otherwise half the movies wouldn't be made! ha I sometimes feel a little bit different as my half siblings have never wanted anything to do with me and the families both sides not really made an effort with me. They made an effort with mum but me and just me that has not happened.
I went to Iceland last year - a year after her passing and I messaged all the people I thought might want to build a bond now that she was gone and no one pre arranged to meet me. Only my friends. It hurt a lot and I started wondering what was so wrong with me. I was working back in the UK for a very toxic kitchen as a chef and everything back home plus the job and my manager I was given a clinically depressed diagnosis. I for the first time since my attempt to suicide in 2004 felt those dark feelings again. My birthday I had no abuse from mum and I also had no card from family. (that is not new but I thought that once mum was gone people might reach out) and it made me realise how much I have lied to myself my whole life. I was the problem. When she would stop being a threat people would try. I spiralled. I didn't eat and I didn't leave the house for a week.
Then I woke up after a therapy session and I let go. I let go of the thought that I needed to be perfect. Of course I have often been a little shit but what I came to see and realise that so have so many other people. Some have the support system and others don't - and I don't. It is as simple as that. And if I don't have the support system of so called families I stop feeling sorry for myself and love and welcome the friends that have made me their family. I have people in my life that have known me since I was 15 and they are still around! They have forgiven me when I have been an utter d*ck to them and been bang out of order. When I have tried to push them as far away as possible and shut down and not communicated! However all these years at 44 they are still around and f*ck me they let me know how much they love me!
And that is why I want to open a new chapter. A new chapter where I accept that I am so lucky to have these friends and people in my life that no mater what I have done or what my mother did to them they love me and they actually care about me. Where now my foundations or built on not being scared to speak back, where I set boundaries and I am not always available at a drop of a hat, that when I am treated bad at work I leave or I go to HR, where I stop accepting crumbs in the hope I am liked. F*ck that sh*t! I know now that I am loved enough that I am allowed to not always fit in or need to be perfect before there is a consequence or withdrawal. That as soon as I feel I am about to loose my sh*t that means I feel unsafe and scared. To not stay in that situation in hope that the other human being is OK and won't hurt but actually know that I am allowed to remove myself and focus on me being OK.
This new chapter is scary as heck but I can feel it is so much healthier. It is safer and it allows for me to have time for the people that actually want to get to know me and where I can get to know them so much better as I am not so scared they will leave me. All those people I love so insane amount much and they all have so many qualities and attributes I admire and I realise selfishly how lucky I am.
So life I am excited for this new chapter. Thank you for Universe and all the different views on spirituality that have got me here! I am so looking forward to this new healthy chapter
Mahalo - a hui ho malama pono
Odds
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