I never thought I played games, don't get me wrong I absolutely LOVE board games and monopoly the card game version but I'm talking about games of the heart, mind and soul. The type of games we can play when we are vulnerable to being vulnerable. When we need other people's approval, or don't love ourselves enough we require other people's attention to make us feel better.
I never thought I did that more than normal, as we are all human and make those type of mistakes but I genuinely thought I was quite good at not playing games like that. Yeah I was wrong! I have had life challenge me with near deaths and deaths around me really affecting my world lately so I decided to go away for a few days and get my head straight. What I wasn't counting on was going away and straightening out my heart!
I came back and realised I as a dater I am rubbish! I go hot and cold, I can be ridic sceptical and then throw them right off by being super duper much fun and actually quite affectionate. What a head fuck! I wasn't always like this. My first real relationship was never like that. I was just young and learning the ropes but we had a ball together. 100% trust and he had a child from previous relationship and that honestly wasn't as hard as I hear people describing it. However I then had life again throw a spanner in the works and I came to England. My whole world was turned upside down and I started forming challenging friendships and a few really bad relationships whilst simultaneously dealing with heartbreaking family situations. This went on for years and the pain really closed me off. No one was ever going to have the power to hurt me again! I was going to smile and learn to be happy. No man or person could ever hurt me again nor could ill mannered friendships. What I wasn't counting on was going abroad and being showered with love from the poorest people I've ever met, bond a friendship out of this world, and coming back starting a relationship with one of the biggest hearted persons I know. My heart had started melting! That relationship came to an end and since then I have been single. I wanted to stay solo to sort my heart out and then it finally clicked whilst away trying to sort my head out!! HAha you have to love life - went for my head but came back with a heart ;)
What's been great about the timing is I've casually been dating a guy who is exactly the same so I finally had a taste of my own medicine and I can tell you it wasn't nice! I finally saw and experienced what my actions/ game playing does. No wonder I've casually dated so many people because people that tolerate actions like that are most likely to do the same so it will never ever go anywhere. I even heard myself say not long ago.. I've never been dumped. I tend to be the dumpee! Seriously! Who says things like that! Not cool!! If I'm so worried about things ending I shouldn't start them in the first place! What a pillock! It's like I fear the fear of it! That's no way to live a life. If it ends surely its more important to enjoy the journey with a whole heart and therefore see quicker if it is right or not instead of always assuming it is wrong or other people have bad intentions or demands after they have treated you nice.
So I let go and the funny thing was it panicked him. He wasn't ready to have an open heart that simply hugged him, embraced him and said I missed you like this much throwing my arms out and stretching them as far they could reach. I saw the fear of affection in his eyes. I then got a text saying I can't see you for a few days as I've decided to stay away on a whim and the funny thing was I'd invited him to meet my mates. He has taken me away, treated me like Queen but all that time I was distant as I was scared but the moment I let go he retrieved and the sad bit is I can reflect and see how I've done that countless of times to people! Hence I now honestly get Morris Swartz saying "the most important thing in life is learning to let love in" because if you can't let it in how you ever going to give it yourself!
So I've been beaten at my own game and I'm glad I have! I'm humbled by the lesson. It has clicked so hard I can tell it won't happen again. I've had a true change of heart. I will stay my feisty self and not be so blind I won't see if people are taking advantage but I will let myself fall after going on a series of dates and evaluated the situation rather than allow my fear to go into something far too quickly or be so sceptical I never give it a real chance as both those actions stem from not knowing your own heartbeat.
Happy giving....and remember
I never thought I did that more than normal, as we are all human and make those type of mistakes but I genuinely thought I was quite good at not playing games like that. Yeah I was wrong! I have had life challenge me with near deaths and deaths around me really affecting my world lately so I decided to go away for a few days and get my head straight. What I wasn't counting on was going away and straightening out my heart!
I came back and realised I as a dater I am rubbish! I go hot and cold, I can be ridic sceptical and then throw them right off by being super duper much fun and actually quite affectionate. What a head fuck! I wasn't always like this. My first real relationship was never like that. I was just young and learning the ropes but we had a ball together. 100% trust and he had a child from previous relationship and that honestly wasn't as hard as I hear people describing it. However I then had life again throw a spanner in the works and I came to England. My whole world was turned upside down and I started forming challenging friendships and a few really bad relationships whilst simultaneously dealing with heartbreaking family situations. This went on for years and the pain really closed me off. No one was ever going to have the power to hurt me again! I was going to smile and learn to be happy. No man or person could ever hurt me again nor could ill mannered friendships. What I wasn't counting on was going abroad and being showered with love from the poorest people I've ever met, bond a friendship out of this world, and coming back starting a relationship with one of the biggest hearted persons I know. My heart had started melting! That relationship came to an end and since then I have been single. I wanted to stay solo to sort my heart out and then it finally clicked whilst away trying to sort my head out!! HAha you have to love life - went for my head but came back with a heart ;)
What's been great about the timing is I've casually been dating a guy who is exactly the same so I finally had a taste of my own medicine and I can tell you it wasn't nice! I finally saw and experienced what my actions/ game playing does. No wonder I've casually dated so many people because people that tolerate actions like that are most likely to do the same so it will never ever go anywhere. I even heard myself say not long ago.. I've never been dumped. I tend to be the dumpee! Seriously! Who says things like that! Not cool!! If I'm so worried about things ending I shouldn't start them in the first place! What a pillock! It's like I fear the fear of it! That's no way to live a life. If it ends surely its more important to enjoy the journey with a whole heart and therefore see quicker if it is right or not instead of always assuming it is wrong or other people have bad intentions or demands after they have treated you nice.
So I let go and the funny thing was it panicked him. He wasn't ready to have an open heart that simply hugged him, embraced him and said I missed you like this much throwing my arms out and stretching them as far they could reach. I saw the fear of affection in his eyes. I then got a text saying I can't see you for a few days as I've decided to stay away on a whim and the funny thing was I'd invited him to meet my mates. He has taken me away, treated me like Queen but all that time I was distant as I was scared but the moment I let go he retrieved and the sad bit is I can reflect and see how I've done that countless of times to people! Hence I now honestly get Morris Swartz saying "the most important thing in life is learning to let love in" because if you can't let it in how you ever going to give it yourself!
So I've been beaten at my own game and I'm glad I have! I'm humbled by the lesson. It has clicked so hard I can tell it won't happen again. I've had a true change of heart. I will stay my feisty self and not be so blind I won't see if people are taking advantage but I will let myself fall after going on a series of dates and evaluated the situation rather than allow my fear to go into something far too quickly or be so sceptical I never give it a real chance as both those actions stem from not knowing your own heartbeat.
Happy giving....and remember
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