Circle of life

I remember her calling me down from a tree. I was angry! I was so angry that I tried to run away. I ran as far as the tree outside. I climbed it in my skirt.

Noone had noticed how upset I was. So I thought. She did.

She yoodled and sang for me to laugh at her. It worked. She knew where I was. She kind of always did. She often ignored my tantrums. Let me get on with it I suppose. But for some reason with me she knew when it got too much. She simply said – running away is only a temporary fix. Why not come back down to earth and deal with it one step at a time with love in your heart.

She wasn’t always fair or nice but she treated me with care and good advice. She liked her red wine and the funny thing it actually made her fine. I miss her with every heart beat, one day hope I her again will meet. In heaven or in devon I don’t mind, as long as like her, I can be kind. Anna why did you have to die, it fills me with a great big sigh! I miss you more than you will ever know, More than it could ever show. I love you now as much as I did then. Goodbye min Anna and forever take care. One day I will meet you again and oh my gosh how we will fly!

Today was hard. I missed her inconsolably but had to deal with one of the hardest professional days I have ever had. I kept it in and carried on. I did my duty as they say. I then as a saving grace went to see life that was just born, and it reminded me that for every loss that we have there is life instead. I guess that is what the Lion King is all about right? Circle of life?

I haven’t written for some time so I thought I would start again from a place of love and peace. From a place where I am not hardened to the cards life has dealt me. Where I am learning to just let go and look after myself. Do what has to be done but with a good conscious and appreciation for that each moment is simply a moment and it will pass. That one day comes, another goes. That we are all human with feelings as deep as the ocean but it is what we do with them that counts. That we look after ourselves and actually trust ourselves to do the best thing at that given moment.

Tomorrow will be no easier if I am honest. Work is hard, my heart still aches but compared to other years, the difference is, this time I know it is only temporary and that anniversaries are reminders. Not of the death, loss or hurt, but of the life that once knew where to find me. Knew that yoodling and singing was the way to my hurt heart back then, and reminded me that we will feel hurt at times but it is how we deal with it that matters.

She was right! Of course she was. She was older and wiser. Not perfect – just wiser and oh so fabulous in many ways.

So I dedicate this post to all of you who have lost a loved one and give my re-assurance that days like these will come but they also pass. Keep the memory alive by not giving up hope. That days you remember with them sometimes surprise you with little hidden lessons. Like me to today. I just wanted to climb a tree and not deal with work, but I came down and yoddled my way through it knowing that this moment will pass as long as I act truthfully to myself.

So thank you Miss Anna! Your memory and lessons still live in my heart as strongly as they did back then. The only difference now is that you are up high in a tree that I for the moment cannot climb but rest assured I will, one day, see you again!