Odds Off

I received a text today that made me think. It stated:  ‘ I think that’s what you needed to do like literally switch off from all things negative and start seeing and concentrate on your positives  (which I haven’t heard or seen you do in a looooooong time!!’ I’m not going to lie. I have been in a super dark place. Not dark enough for it to show but internally I have been crumbling. I have tried my hardest to fight it and I have done an OK job but it has taken its toll. That is until yesterday. Of course I didn’t just snap out of it. I have been working hard to learn to work my way out of it but after crying just because someone that I don’t know on Saturday pushed me away I was like – WHATT??? Is this what I am allowing my brain to do to me? I deliberately didn’t rush to get the charger for my phone. I let it stay out of juice pretty much all day. I had an uncomfortable chat, then woke up and smelt the coffee. I decided that no one would ever rob me of me again. Th...

I remember her calling me down from a tree. I was angry! I was so angry that I tried to run away. I ran as far as the tree outside. I climbed it in my skirt. Noone had noticed how upset I was. So I thought. She did. She yoodled and sang for me to laugh at her. It worked. She knew where I was. She kind of always did. She often ignored my tantrums. Let me get on with it I suppose. But for some reason with me she knew when it got too much. She simply said – running away is only a temporary fix. Why not come back down to earth and deal with it one step at a time with love in your heart. She wasn’t always fair or nice but she treated me with care and good advice. She liked her red wine and the funny thing it actually made her fine. I miss her with every heart beat, one day hope I her again will meet. In heaven or in devon I don’t mind, as long as like her, I can be kind. Anna why did you have to die, it fills me with a great big sigh! I miss you more than you will ever know, More...

Today I saw something amazing!  We are so quick to point out what is wrong in the world and how horrid people can be especially teenagers that we often miss the sense of community that is all around us! At lunch I was walking in a real rush back to the office after having picked up a birthday present for a friend of mine when I saw a little old man pushing what I can only assume to be his wife in a wheel chair. It looked as if he was struggling to get his missus up the hill so I went to cross the road to help but I was beaten to the post by a lovely young man that looked no older than 21.  He approached the man and his wife and asked if they needed a hand. The old man looked so reliefed and happy that he took the young lad up on the offer. This said gentleman pushed the old man's wife up the hill and than smiled, wished the two of them a good day and walked on. The older couple turned into their home and you could see they were definitely ready for a cuppa and ...

I never thought I played games, don't get me wrong I absolutely LOVE board games and monopoly the card game version but I'm talking about games of the heart, mind and soul. The type of games we can play when we are vulnerable to being vulnerable. When we need other people's approval, or don't love ourselves enough we require other people's attention to make us feel better. I never thought I did that more than normal, as we are all human and make those type of mistakes but I genuinely thought I was quite good at not playing games like that. Yeah I was wrong! I have had life challenge me with near deaths and deaths around me really affecting my world lately so I decided to go away for a few days and get my head straight. What I wasn't counting on was going away and straightening out my heart! I came back and realised I as a dater I am rubbish! I go hot and cold, I can be ridic sceptical and then throw them right off by being super duper much fun and actually ...

At choir we are learning a song called imagine me and it is a very soppy but soulful song that for some reason has really got me thinking. Imagine a world where you are at peace with yourself, where your lack of confidence  doesn't  hold you back either with things you want to achieve or speaking up about the way you are treated? The more I listen to it, try and learn it I keep thinking, yeah imagine me in a place of no insecurities and actually letting go of all the people or things that have happened to hurt me. A place where I feel happy and confident and this week I realised that again it is my insecurity of myself and the thoughts /words / actions of others that again let hold me back.  I let others way of life over ride mine. I accept being walked over. I care more about others feelings than I do my own. I had someone live with me that was very unwell. I was so scared to upset this person I let her talk to me like my needs  didn't  matter and e...

Christmas is one of those seasons where it conjures up so many different feelings within people. Some people absolutely love it and can’t remember it being anything but amazing. Others really hate pretty much everything about it. Feel it has become about presents and lost its meaning as a celebratory day about Jesus being born. For many it reminds them of loved ones they have lost and for even more it can highlight family  feuds  because that chair around the table is empty. For me it is a little bit of all of these factors if I am honest. I come from a very unconventional family setting and Christmas for years has been the hardest time of year. I have great, amazing memories blended with an awful lot of heavy, sad moments. I don’t exactly get that personal present from parents or a partner that I have been hinting I want. I don’t get to sit with my mum and share it with her, my dad or family I grew up with for that matter. When we gather around the table I always have ...

I am in a really good place, I feel grown up. I feel like I know the sound of my own voice. Finally!! :0)  is all that I can say. It has been a journey; that is true! Has it been worth it = hell, to the yeah it has! I have been so scared to be alone that I have desperately looked towards people and places, even things to make me happy and lessen the fear of loneliness. I have even acted inappropriately, but what I have come to realise is that it was my internal courage that gave me the freedom to embrace life, and through this courage I have realised that I won’t be truly lonely as lonely is just a state of mind. It is a thought system that wants something else or someone else to fill a gap. However if I take responsibility for my life and what I fill it with there is no reason to really be lonely. Yeah of course we all get those moments when we wish we could be with someone and not just romantically. Being lonely isn’t always just for the single ones. I hear people often...