We are funny creatures we are. We are masked by so many emotions,
hidden secrets, sudden outburst of energy yet most of the time we hide it all. We
doubt our abilities and we see the grey rather than the reality for what it is.
We do it so that it doesn’t hurt and we don’t have to deal with it. We
sometimes over think a comment or action whilst other days we ignore it like it
never happened.
I am no different. I must admit I have started learning to accept
the unacceptable and with that comes a great ease of mind. I still pursue what
it is I want. I haven’t just gone lazy and given up. I will find ways of making
something happen or at least try my darn best. The irony being though that I
hadn’t done that for my own happiness if I am honest. I hadn’t looked before at
what actually makes me happy and what I might have to sacrifice to get there.
This came as a real shock to me the other day.
I had always put others happiness and wellbeing before my
own, even to the point I would get ill. I didn’t have a clue what really
mattered. Of course I knew certain things brought pleasures and happiness such
as writing, walking, singing etc but I didn’t know for example which one of these
things mattered more. I didn’t know the rhythm of my own heart. I knew how to
get it beating but I was lacking the overall insight that is so important.
Through this I jumped from one relationship to another. Accepting the
companionship of another being to fill a void. To perhaps bring happiness to me
rather than me go out seeking it. We all know we love being around people and
no one hates compliments or when your friends/spouse laughs at your stupid
jokes, or smiles at you when you feel and look your worse or gives you the reassurance
that it is going to be ok. I guess I relied on relationships for all of that. I
had no real sense of what I liked about myself or what gave me internal peace.
That journey started in Costa Rica. When I left a good job, it continued when I
moved to London and golly gosh it took off in September! I assumed it was over
when I was back on my feet and I got the flat. Oh “hell to the no” as they
would say in the USA! How wrong was I!!
I started dating. I started exploring a world I had never
done before. I had never ever gone on the dating scene! Funny that as I write a
dating column! However I thought it would be a great idea whilst I was still
semi young, enjoying my new found freedom of two semi functional legs and my
own place.
Yeah it hasn’t lasted long! I have been on dates with the
most intellectual men, the most eccentric men, the weird and the wonderful. I
have met people off the internet, people from similar circles but mostly
weirdly I met myself for the first time! I met a girl that still hadn’t conquered
the idea of being alone as a scary but actually quite wonderful thing! That I
had based most of my relationships on the fact I was needing the company as
much as I simply enjoyed it. That I had just been so grateful someone wanted
me! That deep down I was actually quite insecure and I needed to be told I was
OK and that things were going to be OK. I realised this as for more than one of
my dates I was in a place with someone that did not have good manners, that
complained about the price of things, yet I had driven to see him.... Another
time I was given abuse yet I stayed, third one always keeping me at arms length
but then all of a sudden giving the biggest compliment, another pre warning me
they weren’t great at this and it was at that moment I went “PING”!! WHAT AM I
DOING!!! Why am I chasing all these men when i have an amazing life. Yeah it is
really, seriously like really hard at the moment. I work all hours under the
sun. My leg keeps bruising, I hardly make rent but actually when I am focusing
on me and what makes the flat homely or using my spare time to go for a walk or
a drive, write, sing, seeing friends I am actually really really happy! Why
would I compromise that for someone that clearly isn’t going to do the same???
Really Oddny! No! Not anymore! My seeking love days are over. My existence isn’t
perfect and I will have my low days but Smack my ass and call me Judy because I
won’t live another day where I place my confidence and happiness in another
person. Yes I still want a loving relationship but only if it is right, and
easy, and happy. If they make the same compromises I will. If we can still have
our own lives. Where communication and the freedom of it and love is the
centre. Where respect and creativity can harvest. Where i can be weird and
wonderful. Mick taking. For when I have my insecurity spells they will point
that out and remind me now is time for you to do your own thing so you don’t
become reliant on me, and I can do the same because contrary to many other people
I think it is real relationships that help you grow more than any counselling session.
Why? Because these are the people that see you at your best and worst. These
are the people that if they do respect
you and love you the way you will them you will talk about the important
things. You will talk about the silly and fun stuff but most importantly it
enhances your awareness of yourself because you have to see what you are
willing to compromise on and find the courage to sometimes upset the other
person in order for you two to be two individuals yet living a similar life!
So if it was slightly later in the day I would raise my
glass and celebrate the fact that life is indeed complicated, but it’s a
challenge well worth taking and seeing the colours in it. Seeing all the
different colours in the chart but staying focused on your favourite colour so you
don’t loos sight of the rainbow for the grey clouds that often surround it!
Off to have a chocolate biscuit and proppa coffee!
Odders
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