Acceptance

This morning I was reading about the mind, about how we live with this internal functionality called the brain. Without it we would not live, we would not have electric pulses shooting down throughout our body enabling us to do what we want. However I have come to realise throughout the years that simply because we are attached to our brains it doesn’t necessarily mean we have to always do as it tells us, as it acts as our best friend but simultaneously acts as our worst enemy! Whilst it enables us to move our hands, walk and talk it also enables us to think. The problem with this I have come to realised is that just as unaware we are of moving our hands, legs, jaw etc. we are unaware of our thoughts. We think away but unfortunately we can’t often stop the damaging thoughts until they have taken over and we are in a pool of darkness. We don’t seem to have the mechanics of dislocating the thinking mind like we would move our hand if it was burning from the open fire.

However through the various books I have read it is possible to learn to quiet the thinking mind and stop giving it power to rule your life. I have to say that this has been the toughest lesson in life for me. It has been so hard to not listen to the mind when it is giving me permission to think of how bad my situations have been, gives me a guilt free ride to sometimes feel sorry for myself or justified reasons I deep down knew weren’t right so to realise and learn that there is a deeper form of self rather than the thought mind made up one was really difficult. This took away the kidding myself part of me. It was forcing me to look at who I am and not my story. Learn how to go beyond my story as simply learn to be each moment at time. Not fight what is, not look back or forward but to do the best with what I have now.

I thought I had pretty much cracked this this year. The experience in Costa Rica taught me more than I could have ever expected. Realising that London and the corporate world wasn’t for me and leaving when I was at the top of my game to earn far less and live with less material things and get tongues wagging. I accepted it all. I wasn’t scared of the unknown. I was happy. Deeply happy. For the first time in my life I felt as if I knew who I was and I was not living other people’s dreams. I was living my own.

Then my birthday happened. I hadn’t really wanted to go out and I had expressed that. I still went as I felt I would be letting people down if I didn’t. I slipped on a drink and shattered my ankle as most of you know. I have now come to a halt in my life. The job I got offered is on hold, the potential client I had got wouldn’t have seen any movement in my website and gone elsewhere.  I have to rely on other people to do everything for me as I am not allowed to weight bare at all. Been told off by my physio that I have already done more than I should have – yeah a trip to Tesco and to the park! I have been told my leg will never be a 100%, I might need two more operations, and my hip is now joining up with my leg and seeking attention! Yep this what I have been experiencing lately and this morning I realised that I hadn’t mastered the acceptance of not knowing as well as I thought I had. Last night I counted down the minutes until a favourite TV programme of mine started. Nothing was giving me satisfaction, the book I was reading – No, the tidying my desk I had been wanting to do for weeks – No, going through my emails which had gone untouched for 4 weeks –NO! Nothing was good enough. I was bored, I wanted something else. I needed something else to make me happy. Something I couldn’t have, a venture out. I woke up this morning feeling the same. My attention seeking leg had kept me up all night! No position was good enough for it and when I finally got up to do my exercises I saw an old book. I got it and started reading and the lesson was staring me in the face. Surrender to the moment! Let it be. The situation is as it is. Don’t wish the moment away or regret going out. Do what you can with what you got. Accept the pain when it hurts, allow the tears to fall when you need to, feel gutted and upset when that emotion arises but then move on and accept that this is your life at present and no regretting or wishing for the future is going to make this moment better. It is what it is. Work to make this moment present so that when I can work at making my leg move again I can do the best with that moment and make sure I work my foot off so that I can potentially have 100% occupancy of my own leg and foot again!

So I realised that it is good to have reminders of lessons learnt. That sometimes we think we have mastered something but gentle reminders and more work is not necessarily a bad thing. I am sure that when I have recovered from this I will think – oh yeah I have so mastered the technique of accepting this moment for what it is. I have got there – yippy!! However there will always be other speed bumps along the way we can’t predict and I hope this particular speed bump grounds me enough to remind me that this moment is all we have and for me the most important thing is to learn to accept that and stop wishing time away or regretting it. Feel what I feel and surrender to not knowing. Be happy within without needing the circumstance, place, person or materials to be different, and mostly be happy to be ok to be sad every now and again then let go of it and move on.

 So I finish this with a saying my mother taught me. Some people teach their negative thoughts to swim whilst others learn to drown them! I certainly know that on this occasion I won’t feel guilty for not being the good girl and I will teach me and my gammy foot to stay afloat but I will leave those negative thought at the deep end of the pool without floaters to help! Adios old amigos!

Odders

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