Is it important?

The universe has an interesting way of teaching you the lessons you might need to learn or open your eyes up for when they are so focused on being closed that is if you allow it. The term universe I use loosely as this can be ever so differently interpreted by each and every individual. For me the universe is everything and everyone. It is your inner voice, your gut feeling. It is what I surround myself with, the situations I find myself in. The people I meet, either by an arrangement or by chance. It is the bird singing, it’s the fields, it is the impatient hotel worker driving home from a late shift or the slow moving elderly that has come to accept that speed really isn’t for him/her.  And funnily enough this week I have really opened my senses, my eyes, my mind and soul to the universe. I have opened myself up to what is around me, what my inner voice is actually saying. What my gut feeling is trying to tell me but I am to closed off to and therefore try and control it with either, endless self talk, mind rambles, work, drink, food, TV, reading or sleeping. I finally faced what I had been dreading. What I’d know for ages.

However to get there I had to reiterate certain questions to myself. Is it that important and at what cost? You see I have learnt this amazing technique to question what I would like to do by examining if it is important to me and at what cost does it stop being important. I had become really good at this question about a year ago but once I broke my leg and had to accept help and generosity and learn to express my needs I lost it. I got lost in the fear of putting people out. The fear that I shouldn’t really have a voice and my own separate needs. That because I was dependent on people physically and financially I should not push the limit and ask for things that weren’t essential. That I should push aside all personal needs and my all mighty fear of losing people blossomed. The thing is I have lost more people in my life than I would ever wish for anyone of my age. One person is still with us but is so lost that the fragment of my imagination, gut instinct and experience is the only thing which enables me to stay safe and remember that they aren’t in the same world as us.

With these fears of loosing people and being a burden I sacrificed my needs, yet I realised I was doing this and therefore slowly started finding my voice again and to my surprise I realised that some people are more comfortable with strong expressive people. Some people love the fact they know what you need, don’t have to second guess it, don’t mind helping as long as you don’t take the p*** whilst others find it hard. They don’t want to know. For them they don’t expect things therefore they don’t expect you to want things and be happy with what you are given.

This confused me and put me back a bit as I had never questioned this before. I have always thought if someone is in need and says it I will help and when I am not with them will subconsciously think how I might perhaps help. Is this too much? But then if we don’t express what we need do we try and do it all by ourselves? Can we do it by ourselves? If we do it by ourselves, how do we know if we are going a suitable path or going deeper into the woods? I have started to think that if I talk about it and face my fears and stubbornness of asking for help then more avenues and ideas are presented to me and I would be able to make a decision based on homework.

So I am here again. I am at a place where I have peace. I now know that I need to hold on to this peace. I have to learn to not let my fears paralyse me. Ask myself if it is important? And if I find myself in situations ask how long to stay bearing in mind at what cost? Learn that staying who you are and following what is important to you is different to changing who you are for a situation or a person. If you need to adjust for a place or a person you compromise, and compromise is inevitable in this life. It isn’t always necessary but to live with a loving heart, with empathy and compassion one must know what is important for oneself and sometimes compromise without losing yourself. By putting up boundaries and not just do what you want when you want. Even though most of us would like that.. We don’t really want to face reality and responsibilities and when you look towards our culture where no real boundaries have been set in place you see many grownups and youth doing what they want, when they want with no idea of boundaries. The fact missing that you can still do what you want most of the time but just not always when and how. That there are other people to consider, places to guard and history to protect.

My dear friend spoke with me yesterday about boundaries and she pointed out that boundaries don’t need to be condemned as bad. Boundaries can be viewed as when you take control of your reaction and decide that your actions are important for you to do the best you can. When you don’t simply say “don’t drive like an idiot” Your boundaries are getting out of the car and saying I will not stay in the car when I feel you are driving like an idiot, and I got it. It clicked ever so well with me.

I have to admit that I already do this. I will say I won’t accept this or that and remove myself or change my actions accordingly at the time or learn from it after and I have many of times been accused of trying to control either course of events or the people, however I have never seen it as that way. You see I see people trying to prevent me from speaking up or expressing a view trying to control me, trying to conform me to their ideas. I don’t ask people to change. I simply say I don’t want to be part of this or ask them to clarify why they have behaved in a specific manner to give me more insight. I am aware this rubs people up the wrong way but I would rather people feel comfortable enough to question me. I would rather grow and learn, than close up and assume and therefore feel frustrated and do guess work rather than deal with the facts.

However hard the last couple of months have been the lessons learnt AGAIN! Were worth it. Incredibly hard but worth it. My next challenge is to learn how to not forget these lessons and to quiet the mind for when it conjures up the fear of losing people or asking for help. That people come and people go. Everyday someone leaves this earth yet another is born. Circle of life. That asking for help shouldn’t be so hard. I should surround myself with people that can help you and can ask for help themselves so you know where you stand. There is no guessing game. That you can be vulnerable and can be loved for making mistakes and that you love the people right back for when they make mistakes yet never lose sight of what is important and that it doesn’t make you bankrupt of mind, body, soul or personality because we are worth it!

XXX