Odds Off

At choir we are learning a song called imagine me and it is a very soppy but soulful song that for some reason has really got me thinking. Imagine a world where you are at peace with yourself, where your lack of confidence  doesn't  hold you back either with things you want to achieve or speaking up about the way you are treated? The more I listen to it, try and learn it I keep thinking, yeah imagine me in a place of no insecurities and actually letting go of all the people or things that have happened to hurt me. A place where I feel happy and confident and this week I realised that again it is my insecurity of myself and the thoughts /words / actions of others that again let hold me back.  I let others way of life over ride mine. I accept being walked over. I care more about others feelings than I do my own. I had someone live with me that was very unwell. I was so scared to upset this person I let her talk to me like my needs  didn't  matter and e...

Christmas is one of those seasons where it conjures up so many different feelings within people. Some people absolutely love it and can’t remember it being anything but amazing. Others really hate pretty much everything about it. Feel it has become about presents and lost its meaning as a celebratory day about Jesus being born. For many it reminds them of loved ones they have lost and for even more it can highlight family  feuds  because that chair around the table is empty. For me it is a little bit of all of these factors if I am honest. I come from a very unconventional family setting and Christmas for years has been the hardest time of year. I have great, amazing memories blended with an awful lot of heavy, sad moments. I don’t exactly get that personal present from parents or a partner that I have been hinting I want. I don’t get to sit with my mum and share it with her, my dad or family I grew up with for that matter. When we gather around the table I always have ...

I am in a really good place, I feel grown up. I feel like I know the sound of my own voice. Finally!! :0)  is all that I can say. It has been a journey; that is true! Has it been worth it = hell, to the yeah it has! I have been so scared to be alone that I have desperately looked towards people and places, even things to make me happy and lessen the fear of loneliness. I have even acted inappropriately, but what I have come to realise is that it was my internal courage that gave me the freedom to embrace life, and through this courage I have realised that I won’t be truly lonely as lonely is just a state of mind. It is a thought system that wants something else or someone else to fill a gap. However if I take responsibility for my life and what I fill it with there is no reason to really be lonely. Yeah of course we all get those moments when we wish we could be with someone and not just romantically. Being lonely isn’t always just for the single ones. I hear people often...

Lately I have been tested beyond what I ever thought I would be in an incredibly short amount of time! The universe has tested me in regards to biting my tongue yet at the same time learning to speak up to hold on to my values, let go and know I most likely will get hurt from it, have possessions stolen, being stuck in an environment that was un empathetic and selfish, take control when all I wanted was to breakdown, loss of a loved one and mainly being surrounded by a world filled with volatile reactions. I have panicked like I haven’t done in ages, I have cried like I haven’t for a while, I have laughed louder and more heart fully than before when something has actually tickled me, yet through this I have decided to take the biggest risk of my life. I have taken a pay cut to put my happiness first. I have said no to temporary pleasures to aim for long-term happiness yet I have been so distressed I have acted out of character and done things that jeopardised my reputation and what I...

Why is it that we believe what others tell us about ourselves way and beyond what we believe about ourselves? A couple of weeks ago I was judged by my actions. Badly. I took it so incredibly to heart I cancelled plans and became a slight little hermit. I didn´t want to talk about it because I thought OMG what if this is how people view me. What if I am this awful person. I then decided to talk about it and my friend who listened intently smiled at me and she said “Oddny that is just one persons oppinion” and it clicked withing me. I had become so low from all the external and internal dramas of my life I was looking at myself through other peoples tinted view! Since then I have really explored this. Why do we do it. I listen to acquaintances and friends and it happens all around me. I see people upset, happy, stressed all as a consequence of what other people have either said to or about them, not said to or about them. We seem to live in this world more obsessed about h...

We are funny creatures we are. We are masked by so many emotions, hidden secrets, sudden outburst of energy yet most of the time we hide it all. We doubt our abilities and we see the grey rather than the reality for what it is. We do it so that it doesn’t hurt and we don’t have to deal with it. We sometimes over think a comment or action whilst other days we ignore it like it never happened. I am no different. I must admit I have started learning to accept the unacceptable and with that comes a great ease of mind. I still pursue what it is I want. I haven’t just gone lazy and given up. I will find ways of making something happen or at least try my darn best. The irony being though that I hadn’t done that for my own happiness if I am honest. I hadn’t looked before at what actually makes me happy and what I might have to sacrifice to get there. This came as a real shock to me the other day. I had always put others happiness and wellbeing before my own, even to the point I would get...

I made a massive realisation the other day. I was asked if my confidence was masked by underlying insecurity. This question came out of the blue and deep conversations had not been taking place so it caught me off guard, but in a good way. I did not feel defensive or annoyed at this question which meant I was able to answer honestly. I answered that in my younger days I did feel incredibly insecure. I had insecurities flowing out of my ears; I was constantly looking for people’s approval. Thinking everyone was better than me. That I was too loud, too outspoken, too much this and not enough that. However now today is a completely different story! I am confident and have my moments of insecurity but I am comfortable. I am incredibly comfortable with myself. I feel at ease with my personality, with my body and with my thought system. I feel comfortable being slightly different. Being viewed as slightly challenging towards many people yet just as loving.  I will not always be everyone’...