Imagine....

At choir we are learning a song called imagine me and it is a very soppy but soulful song that for some reason has really got me thinking.

Imagine a world where you are at peace with yourself, where your lack of confidence doesn't hold you back either with things you want to achieve or speaking up about the way you are treated?

The more I listen to it, try and learn it I keep thinking, yeah imagine me in a place of no insecurities and actually letting go of all the people or things that have happened to hurt me. A place where I feel happy and confident and this week I realised that again it is my insecurity of myself and the thoughts /words / actions of others that again let hold me back. 

I let others way of life over ride mine. I accept being walked over. I care more about others feelings than I do my own. I had someone live with me that was very unwell. I was so scared to upset this person I let her talk to me like my needs didn't matter and even though we avoided each other I was so unhappy in my own home, to the point that I started questioning if I actually was a kind person or if I was rude and selfish even before I had entered through the door, when I know deep down I am not rude or selfish in a bad manner. That my way of living was unacceptable because it wasn't the way she wanted it. I seriously was too nervous she might feel unhappy if I spoke up about her behaviour that I simply took it for far too long. The funny thing was that when I finally did speak up nothing terrible happened. I was honest and didn't argue, I simply spoke... and you know what she just left. Couldn't face that people are different. Now I am happy again when I come home and I am ok :) 

I also have been getting to know myself again facing things I didn’t think I would ever have to. It has been a time of two worlds colliding together. Two pasts, two futures meeting. A time where I have had to let go of pain, let go of past and accept the fact I have an opportunity to see things from all aspects. We get so caught up in our own world we forget to see that others have their reasons as well but the biggest lesson I had over the few weeks is that it becomes our responsibility to speak up. Our responsibility to choose which fights are worth fighting and which ones are actually best left alone for our own sanity. That sometimes we so desperately want people to see our situation, see where we are coming from that we try and try but actually if that set person wants to understand, see it or listen to you they will make time, or at least try. If they don’t, that is when you stop and try and make them understand. You will simply waist your energy because at the end of the day people that care enough to hear you, care enough to perhaps tell you that you are over analysing it or being too sensitive because it is all new to you and then let go of the situation with love and communication are the people that truly go beyond themselves and will want to listen and help. They will make time or find ways to simply give you that extra little confidence boost you just need to get through with it with positive energy and not through a mind burdened cloud.

My friend and I discussed this just the other day how hard it can be to have people in your life that do just that. Disagree or speak up about how they feel about your actions or how they are feeling. I admit there are less people that do that but I must say that throughout the years I have managed to find them and they are little nuggets of sunshine in my life and I now will focus my energy and love towards them as I don’t want to live my life ignorant to my flaws or my awesomness, I want to learn and I want friends that are equally as open to it. So that when I have weeks like this one I can openly discuss how positive it was but equally how hard as I had to use most my brain and heart power to let go and simply focus on the new without being ignorant to the fact that that the truth is still painful and important to not get carried away in the fantasy.

I try my best not to judge people or myself but I will be harsh on myself for letting people in that clearly will take more than they will give. Yeah I might end up with less “friends” from it but instead I will be happier and my surroundings will be more drama free, there will be less guess work, more communication and a hell of a lot more of love!

Here is to less thoughts that try and control me, and hell yeah to the next chapter of frank, open communicative and funfilled life surrounded with less hesitation of myself and fear that I am not good enough! That I will rest assured that if I am out of order, or need to improve in one way or another or stay the same I have the correct people around me to tell me and also to people that will give me courage and strength to handle weeks like the ones I had and not people that simply find reaching out when they don’t feel like it, too much hard work. And that I can do the same for them.

Here is to confidence! Life isn’t worth this B’S of insecurities and letting people break us down. Surely we choose who we let in and it becomes our responsibility to be open to growth and take responsibility to be confident within our own skin so that we can shine a little sunshine even if that means we will be slightly different to what other people perceive to be “normal”

I know I would rather be kind and happy than considered normal!

Here is to feeling confident with knowing yourself!