It was 16th December 2010 when I decided to give myself a year to go on a year long life discovery. I chose to be a student for a year. So I feel it is only apt that I write a blog on this important day in my journey as this is my so called “last day” to actively soul search and the most remarkable thing happened just before midnight. Something popped inside me and I found my feet. I for the first time in my whole life felt entitled to set boundaries. Set my own boundaries of what I will accept and what I won’t. I found my inner voice telling me what was healthy for me and what wasn’t so on the same evening I spoke up to two people that are incredibly important to me. I did not do it with malis in heart I did it out of love. Love for me and for them. I did it as I have always been so insecure that the idea of potentially loosing someone for airing my view has been paralysingly scary, but not anymore.
I went to Costa Rica and learnt that I am actually OK as a person and I work my butt off to get jobs done. Nothing is ever too much for me to do. I learnt to not take it so personally what people thought of me. Even when someone told me they wanted to shoot me. I kept my cool and didn’t steep to their levels. I slowly walked away and with encouraging words from my brother from another mother went back and kept doing what I was meant to be doing.
I met a friend that showed me that you are never too old or young to make a special friend that gets every single ounce of you and you them. That letting your guard down and letting the right people in is the most special gift you can get.
I faced my fear and travelled on my own. Moved to London and got a top dog job. Moved into a stunning house and met again a very special friend. I also met a person that wasn’t very good for me and I knew that it was healthy to remove myself from the situation and not take it personally.
I realised that I had been chasing someone else’s dream of a career instead of doing what I wanted to do. That actually money isn’t my driving force for a career, nor is the status for me. The only thing I want to do is be creative, not get involved in politics and simply get on with the job required so that I can make the family plays. Help out when is needed and make homemade dinners and bake cakes at the weekends whilst enjoying a glass or a bottle or two of vino ;) So I left London and moved back to Dorset and left the job where bullying was accepted and fear ruled the workforce.
I turned thirty and did the birthday party I wanted to do. I had a low key family BBQ and celebrated in the back garden. I learnt that I have the most amazing family and friends I could have ever dreamt or asked for. I then went out the next weekend even though I didn’t want a “night out” as I was too scared to say no to the demands asked. I was too afraid to hurt people that wanted something different to me. It resulted in my breaking my ankle in three places and snapping my shin bone. I was in hospital for 11 days, had a 5.3 hr surgery. I gained two 6” scars either side of my leg as reminders that speaking up and not being so scared to have a voice is essential to accept everything that comes your way.
Since then I couldn’t have anticipated the journey that lay ahead of me. 14 weeks of no independence. Needing people to get me stuff, driving me places, paying for things as I have had no work for over 14 weeks. I was left with nothing to distract me from finding out how to learn to accept help, learn to accept that people do love me, accept that I need a voice to air what I need as a human being. That something within me was missing, that something was causing me so much grief that I was hurting people around me because I couldn’t cope with not being independent and there it was. I realised that I was a really sensitive and an insecure persona that didn’t feel entitled to do anything that was simply for me. I was so scared of putting people out because there might be consequences that could be painful. That people might make me pay them back for having to go and help me. I realised that I still had war wounds from my distorted child hood. That the fact I went from home to home and never knew what to expect had affected the sensitive soul I always was and over flavoured it with insecurity just like too much salt ruins a perfectly good soup. Hence all the wrong friendships, the need to change jobs, places and pick unhealthy relationships and never knowing when to get out of them until I was actually partly damaged was down to insecurity and fright of being unloved and people not accepting me a 100% the way I was and loving me with my flaws. I used this time I was bedbound to tackle my insecurity. I cried, I got angry, I confessed and then now I found my voice and security. I found my entiltment. I realised that there is nothing wrong with being sensitive but it isn’t healthy to be insecure. That security enables you to find your boundaries and learn that your gut speaks louder than anything. That your choices as long as healthy are absolutely ok even if no one else agrees. That it is healthy to sometimes disagree with people and not feel guilty for it afterwards. To know the boundaries of what limits you are willing to accept. When it is healthy to say stop to being walked over when you have gone out of your way to help people and aren’t getting half of that back. To then set your limits to ensure that the relationships you have are on an equal ground. That you love yourself enough to forgive yourself for not being perfect, not expecting too much from others but expect that you get treated the way you treat them and if that doesn’t happen know to remove yourself and look to improve yourself.
So too be honest this has been one of the most challenging year of my life. One of the best and also one of the hardest. One of laughter, tears and core truths but most of all a year of wanting to better myself. A year of learning that I will always push myself to be the best I can be. I was told I couldn’t drive until Jan/Feb and I drove a car on Wednesday. I can walk unsupported when I was told it would be for another three months. I have joined a gym and smashed the recovery target. I know this is because I will face every single fear I have, I will tackle my problems and I will fight until I see the silver lining and can smile at it. Until I can talk about it openly and speak truthfully. I will find happiness in even the darkest of moments and treasure the lessons I get given. I won’t just give up and accept it. I will learn from it so even though I have left my year of study and earnt myself a professor degree in Life of Oddny but I will never stop being a pupil of life in general because even when I am having dark days I still think it is pretty marvellous to be given access to this amazing earth and the emotions our existence throws upon us. And what a better time to enjoy it once you have faced your core fear and not given up and assumed you have dealt with it when you skim the top of it and stop yourself from digging deep enough to go through that real pain to then come up the other side and be aware of what your vice is, to then learn what your positive weapon is as that is what teaches you to get out of your darkness that comes with facing your core “healthy challenges” and once you have gone to that level there is no reason to need to go there again. With support from family and friends and learning to accept you need assistance is the only way up.
So thank you to all those which have been a part of my journey and helped me and I look forward to a year of security, fun and forwardness and actually walking properly ;)
I hope you all have an amazing Christmas and a New Year and thank you for reading my blog for the last year.
So much Love
Oddny
xxxxx
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